My heart aches today. I feel like I’m not the person I thought I’d be. To be honest, maybe I never had a clear version of that as a little girl. I remember there were two times as a child that I felt undeniable love. Love that washed peace over myself, excited me, and made me feel limitless.
The first time was in a dream. I dreamt that I was walking down the hall in school and I was 100% confident in myself. I loved everyone and they loved me. I was so in love with life and at peace. When I woke up, I thought that must be how God feels about us. All love. I’ve thought about that dream here and there but I still feel plagued with uncertainty, doubt, indecisiveness, fear.
The second time I felt this love and excitement was when I came back from dropping my brother off at college and feeling excited for him and dreaming about how my college years were going to be. How I could make the most of it. What I wanted to do, who I wanted to spend my time with, who I wanted to become. But that too became covered with fear.
I have done brave things in my life. Took risks to be where I want to be, yet in hard times, I go back to my old thought patterns…I’m such a failure. Why have I put myself in this situation again? I just need to give up and go back to what worked last time.
But the truth is. If I were a friend talking to me, I’d say: I am so proud of you! You didn’t give up then and don’t give up now! You will always have some hard times whether you’re in a 9-5 or on your own. Learn from your mistakes and keep moving!! Do you want to work hard on something you believe in with your whole body and soul or do you do want to work hard on something that goes against who you feel you are?
Uck, it’s so stupid! Why do we hold onto and entertain such negative thoughts? Why are we so hard on ourselves? I’m done with it. Done. Done. Done. Worry, doubt, and fear are no longer welcome here. I’m fighting back with celebrations of small actions and turning mistakes into wins.
What thought, belief, or behavior is no longer serving you?
